Ok, here’s the house rules for the Austin pad .. yes it’s at 3301 Westland Drive, Austin, TX, 78704. Y’all are expected to know and adhere to the rules. No exceptions. Even for me.
- Wireless access is at HFA-Guest / <password listed on the fridge> .. no the password is not “password listed on the fridge” .. don’t bitch about the password, it’s free WiFi bro!
- Don’t adjust the temperature! If you’re cold, put on a sweater, toque (beanie if you’re south of the 49th parallel). If you’re hot, have a drink with ice, and if that doesn’t help, then piss off.
- Austin tunes over-ride. Period. Don’t care you want to listen to some wimpy East Coast, West Coast, Popular rock or Northerner crap.
- If there is a NFL game on, then the game is ON .. don’t expect much else.
- Don’t suck up *all* the bandwidth in pr0n, dude. Really? I know it’s you. Remember what I do for a living?? Yes there are “proxies” on friend’s free Internet connections. Duh.
- GPS (aka TomTom or Garvin) HIGHLY recommended for out-of-town-ers.
- GPS (aka TomTom or Garvin) HIGHLY recommended for in-towners.
- Be energy conscious. Rinse your damn dishes (don’t be lazy) – that’s what the drying rack is for. Duh.
- You consume the last bottle of _______, REPLACE it. Damn, there is a Tarjay (Target for our American friends), or H-E-B, or Randall’s within walking distance!
- Do NOT put your drinks on my Red’s Porch tab. Food is negotiable.
- You MUST have a valid reason to go to another joint than Red’s
- Yes, it IS a shower curtain rod like Marriott’s. No, I didn’t steal it. Nice, eh? That’s another 5.5″ of room in the shower!!
- No you don’t have to come run with me in the morning at 5am. Nor do I .. but sometimes I’d appreciate the encouragement out of bed.
- Recycling bin is in the pantry. Just cuz y’all are too lazy to actually walk outside and dump your junk in the recycle bucket out back. Just sayin’. By the way .. organics hit the bucket at the BACK .. if you give a cr@p about that stuff.
- Yes, I do offer a taxi service at 5am to the AUS airport. It’s $50,000 per one way. Your choice, but it’s COB bud.
- Don’t touch the Henkle knife (knives) .. I have to sacrifice goat entrails to keep it sharp. Pretty sure you don’t want any part of that. Just sayin’. You get the steak knives.
- NEVER turn off the Cranberries. EVER. See rule #3.
- Whoever gets to the music remote wins. Except when Rule #3 applies. That means Al wins. All the time. Damn dude don’t cry.
Ok, you get the point. Be responsible. Recycle. Use less energy. Don’t be lazy. Book your stay. (It’s only uncomfortable for those of you who don’t and wind up sleeping in the same guest bed .. y’all are NOT sleeping with me).
Oh .. ya, I’m sure you’ll have fun here .. no problems, mate. Yes the lights in the back yard are a secret. DON’T tell Amanda.
